A couple of days ago we received an invite to a New Year’s Eve party. It’s the kind of invite we always turn down. Even when it’s from close friends. First, “a couple of days” is considered “last-minute” in our world. Spontaneity is not our friend much. Second, Henry just doesn’t cope well for long in someone else’s home unless it’s family and even then, sometimes we just never know. This particular invitation is from the parents of one of Lucy’s school friends in the neighborhood. We’ve gotten to know them because their house is just a tad farther than I’m comfortable letting Lucy get there by herself so we run the girls back and forth in our cars. And that is about the extent of our relationship with them. Chatting for a few moments before and/or after pick-up-drop-off for a play date. Anyway, they are super nice and the party will certainly be kid-friendly. The thing is, I just know that Henry is not going to make it there long at all. It’s just going to be too much in a new place with too many people he doesn’t know. (And I think he’s going to be the only boy). That adds stress to us that many folks just don’t (and can’t) understand.
These kinds of things involve so much planning on our part. Do we go? Do we not go? Weighing of the pros and cons, steeling ourselves for the multitude of situations and the infinite variables that could cause it all to go so very wrong. Or right, for that matter. Devising and committing to memory plans A through Z for said evening. And social-storying the hell out it! At the very least, we’re mentally and emotionally drained before we even get there.
So, why would we even consider going at all? We were completely happy and comfortable with our plans to stay and home and do nothing. I was sort of relishing that idea actually!
1: Well, because invitations from people come few and far between. Our few close friends know it’s difficult for us and for Henry in particular. We are grateful that they understand and remain our friends anyway. Those are the friends that know it’s just easier if they come over to our house. We have amazing friends! But still, it doesn’t seem right to shut out everyone all of the time.
2: Because we’ve turned this family down on several previous occasions. (See #1) And quite frankly, Grant gets along with the other dad. Outside of his “gang” of friends from high school, there are only three other couples that we’ve gotten to know pretty well and that Grant enjoys spending time with. And even then, we don’t get to socialize with any of them very often! We need to get out of the house!
3: Besides pushing our own comfort zone a bit, it’s important that we also have Henry give his comfort zone a nudge. It is an important aspect of helping him grow; to “expand his Kansas” so to speak. How can he practice his coping skills if he never goes anywhere that makes him have to “cope”? I’m certainly not saying that he needs to go out and try new things, meet new people to the point of sensory overload and meltdowns! But you know, just give that space in his development a little tap on the shoulder. It wouldn’t hurt the hubs or me for that same reason.
4: They live close. Proximity does matter in this autism household. In fact, it’s a necessity in situations like this. The quote by Ally Sheedy’s character in The Breakfast Club always comes to mind, “You never know when you may have to jam.” And in revisiting both reasons #1 and #3, why not take advantage of the fact that this rare invitation came from down the street!
I get that this is all part of the autism parenting gig. We will go prepared as best we can with iPad, 3DS, etc. We have rehearsed with Henry the different options he will have for the evening and he knows that because they live close enough, he even has the option to come back home. I am prepared not to stay very long. I’m cool with that. What exhausts me is the not knowing how things might go and the fact that even the simplest of things is ever easy or simple. I’m tired already. All of 2015 has exhausted me. But we will go. We will go for all of the reasons listed above.
And for me, one more small, secret reason. 5: Perhaps this New Year’s Eve, if we join in celebrating in a more “traditional” way, in a new place with new friends, perhaps things will change for us in 2016. Maybe add just a little bit of magic for a few changes to happen that might help make life a little more simple and a little more easy for us all.
Happy New Year to all of you from the entire Rabinowitz Tribe! We wish everyone much happiness, health and Peace in 2016! Thank you all for continuing to be a part of our family’s lives!