Our journey in the Autism Spectrum

Posts tagged ‘tired’

Trying and Tiring Anxiety

I’m trying to be understanding.  Compassionate.  Really, I am.  But son of a bitch! Henry’s anxiety seems so irrational, ridiculous even, these past several months!  I feel horribly guilty about this.  More often than not, I am so.tired.of.it!  I lose my patience.  A lot.  I get anxiety about his anxiety.  Just STOP it already!!!

Ok, bug phobia, sure.  I get it.  We’re working on it.  Five years of working on it but still, fine.  Whatever.  Waking up at night with panic attacks is a little bit trying. Sometimes more than a little bit; Henry waking up out of a dead sleep (because we do check on him and KNOW he is, in fact, sleeping!)  saying he can’t sleep and crying and whining and screeching, unable to tell us WHY or WHAT is causing him such distress.  We try to calm him down.  He tries to calm himself down.  We remind him of relaxation exercises he can do.  He has a few YouTube videos that he can go to as well.  We’ve been to a psychologist to help us through this.  It was getting better.  Now it’s not better.  Almost-every-night not better.  He NEEDS to wear one of his dad’s hats to bed.  He MUST have one of my pillows or stuffed animals to sleep with.  (Yes, I have a stuffed rainbow chameleon. Don’t judge.)  We allow him these things, of course.  It does help.  Sometimes.  After what feels like hours of trying to talk him off a ledge.

The “newest” anxiety revolves around waiting for the bus.  For all of his school bus riding life, Henry has always had trouble dealing with the waiting for the bus, the worrying about missing the bus or the bus being late.  We’ve had complete meltdowns in our driveway over this.  Did I mention the bus stop IS our driveway? This school year he seems to be adding another layer to his worry.  This year he not only wants to go outside and wait for the bus 15-20 minutes earlier than he needs to be, but he doesn’t want to go out and wait alone.  On our porch.  With the front door open where Lucy sits on the couch and they can see each other.  He wants one of us out there with him.  Why? Because he’s afraid of flying bugs and now BIRDS.  But, you know, he can’t wait inside because he doesn’t want to miss the bus!!!!  Good gods, please give me strength!

This morning, as I finally aquiesced to sitting in the front room with the door open so we could see each other.  (Since Lucy had an early morning activity and was already at school)  I listened to him and watched him for 10 minutes, talking out loud to himself and pacing, pacing, pacing.  Repeating over and over, “I’m okay. I’m okay. I’m okay.”  All the while walking back and forth on the porch ducking from and swatting at invisible bugs and birds. Now, lest you think I’m so cruel as to sit inside and watch my son suffer through this, please know that he will STILL exhibit these behaviors whether or not Lucy or I are outside with him.  This morning I just could not bring myself to sit out there.  Sitting inside I can still watch him but look away, distract myself from his physical actions and verbalization.  Sitting outside with him, his anxiety just gets on my last nerve.  I’m not a morning person and I’ve barely had one cup of coffee before it’s time for the bus.   And his anxiety gives me anxiety.  Like there is a weight on my chest that I just can’t get rid of.

Perhaps it’s time to go back to the psychologist.  I kind of dread that.  It’s out-of-pocket until our deductible is met. That sounds terrible, doesn’t it?  I mean, I should put a price on my son’s mental health?  Still, it’s something we need to consider. More than the money, of course, I am most worried about anxiety meds being suggested.  Again.  I was really hoping we could get through this with some behavioral techniques and learned coping skills.  Meds can be such a slippery slope…though, maybe he needs that.  I don’t want him to suffer but I know sometimes adding medicines can add to problems with side effects, etc.

Ultimately we will do whatever we need to do to help Henry.  To help him be the best that he can be.  But this morning, well, this morning was downright painful and annoying and I just couldn’t deal.  I’m trying so hard.  Every day I want to help him so badly and I wish more than anything he didn’t have these anxious feelings. Some days though, I’m just tired of it.

 

Breathing Optional

I want to breathe. Really. I do. A few autism moms have banded together to  name 2012 as The Year of the Oxygen Mask. They even have a Facebook page, The Oxygen Mask Project, so you KNOW that it’s official!  It’s a year to take time and remember to BREATHE. It’s a year that Moms need to learn and remember take care of themselves. To renew. To refresh and rejuvenate. (Now if only those body wash commercials would hold true,we’d be half-way there! Easy-peezy!)

However, for me, I don’t think an oxygen mask is going to cut it. A ventilator might be more appropriate. (Please no backlash on this analogy.) But really, a lot of days it’s not that I don’t want to breathe…I am just too exhausted to want to do it myself. At this point, remembering to breathe is just ONE. MORE. THING. to add to my To-Do list that ain’t gonna get anywhere near being scratched off anyway. Know what I’m sayin’?

Now, please don’t misunderstand me. I think these “Oxygen Mask Moms” truly ROCK! I practically stalk follow their blogs and their Facebook pages. (See my list of my favorite autism blogs on the right hand side of this page).  Their stories move me and speak to my soul. They are  downright inspiring! I am in awe of their talent, their endless energy and their general “autism-mom spectacular-ness” to say the least! I believe in what they are saying and know how important it is for us moms, especially those of us with special needs kiddos, to take care of ourselves. I also know that a lot of us just don’t. Me included.

[Ed. NOTE: This is the space where I deleted FIVE  paragraphs of whining, complaining and a big dose of self-pity because really, deep down I KNOW what I should be doing and I do know and appreciate just how damn good I’ve got it! ~You’re welcome.]

My kids and my husband are my heart and soul.  My family and close friends are amazingly supportive! My husband is, well…let’s just say most days he approaches “saint” status. Srsly. I could NOT ask for more or better when it comes to support! Yet, why do I feel so suffocated and lost and floundering most days?  How do I find the strength and energy TO BREATHE so maybe I have a chance to find ME ?

I don’t know. But do I know I have to try.

This past fall, two of my friends, Donna and Kara, and I had been kicking around the idea of a “girls weekend”. To go somewhere to hang out and relax and just “be”. Despite issues with coordinating schedules, personal finances (or lack there of) and timing, we held on to the idea hoping “someday” we would work it out and it would happen.

My husband, being the man-of-action that he is (thank you ADHD), got tired of hearing me “talk the talk” and forced me to “walk”. He offered a staycation. He and the kids would go up to his parents for a weekend so I could have the house entirely to myself to do whatever I wanted. (See? “Saint” status.)

Hmmmm….would this work?  I was a bit surprised that my girlfriends were as enthusiastic as they were. I mean, my house is very small and certainly NOT fancy, or spa-like, or any place I would ever think of as a retreat. But thankfully they bought into the idea right away. During the holidays it was Kara who practically forced me to open my calendar and set a date in Sharpie. (Okay, not really but close.)

So, the date was set.  As I thought about what I really wanted to get out of the weekend, I realized that Donna and Kara are my ventilators! I don’t even notice many times that I AM breathing when I ‘m with them. They allow me to be just me. I’m comfortable. Relaxed. Inspired! All of the anxiety and aches and pains and exhaustion (see Ed. Note above) fall to the wayside with them.  So really, it doesn’t matter what we do as long as we just ARE.

I thought about a few more mom-friends that I knew could use a break and that I knew were also my oxygen masks. (Thank you Tracy, Trish, Jen, Angie and Shawn!) I sent Evites as a “key” to Rabinowitz Manor for the weekend:

*****

Message from Host

Okay, so it’s more like a “small cottage” rather than a manor but you get the idea…

It’s a MOMS-ONLY weekend! No husbands, No kids!

Come for a few hours or the whole weekend~how ever long you can manage to get away!

Meals to be determined by when we are hungry and what we want to order out. I will have some “basics” and snacks but otherwise I am keeping my cooking to a minimum. If YOU on the other hand, want to cook, then please feel free!  😉

What to bring:
*Beverage(s) of your choice. (I will have soda and some beer and wine)
*A craft, a book, and/or movie. (We have 3 DVD players and Netflix).
*If you plan to stay over night, beds and couches are first come, first served. Feel free to bring your own pillow and blanket though I do have extras. I also have plenty of towels but you may want to bring your own toiletries.  
*Whatever you want/need to have a comfortable, laze-around time!

This is an easy-breezy, über casual, free-skate weekend!

Please RSVP just so I kind of have an idea of who is coming and when. ~I promise not to hold you to it if you need to change things up!

*****

So, it is THIS coming weekend that I plan to craft and eat and drink and just BE. Breathing will be optional.

~A ginormous THANK YOU to my ventilators, Donna and Kara! I cannot express just how much you girls mean to me! And to my husband, Grant,  I love and thank you from the bottom of my soul for everything that you do, ALWAYS! ❤ ❤ ❤ ~

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